No, I didn't get married yesterday.

First, i want to be clear: I have great friends and I love them all dearly. Yesterday, I published on the social sites a post that said I had gotten married. Me! Now, I want to talk about it.

The Back Story

With all the recent news about Marriage Equality (and fake marriage equality, aka Civil Unions - something I'll unpack later in another post), a friend and I were talking about how far we'd traveled in so short a time. He was, and remains, super- optimistic that we will soon have marriage equality.

I too, remain optimistic. Evans V Romer wasn't that long ago. To go from that to where we live today in a relatively short period of time gives me hope. So when my friend and I were talking about pranks for this year, he stated fake weddings remained funny to him. I agreed they are. We hadn't firmly decided to do it despite some conversations and lengthy planning. We both agreed the announcements (the Prank) should be flity without being disrespectful of the institution of marriage. As an ally, he knew we're still in a fight for achieving true marriage equality. And I, as someone in the trenches, am still fighting for marriage since the best I can do today is still fake marriage here at home. So neither of us wanted the Prank to be so outrageous that it sounded like we were being flip to what we are still fighting for. What sealed the deal for us was a teevee show. The Telly show had a prank where one actor proposed to the other on a live broadcast and she clearly wasn't going to say yes which made all the hosts look unbearably awkward and uncomfortable. After talking about this prank, we agreed to go for ours. We both thought the announcement would be outlandish enough without either of us having to go completely over-the-top. He being heterosexual and I being nearly a perpetually confirmed bachelor by choice, we thought our respective announcements would be silly enough and we wouldn't have to really worry about repercussions or anyone believing either of us for getting married.

How It Played

We were wrong. Very Wrong. Laughably very wrong. When he posted to Facebook, he posted it publicly to the global audience. I only shared with the small cadre of people I share things with on Facebook. Because I've moved to near-exclusivity with Plus, I hardly ever post on Facebook. This further enhanced the silliness in our eyes; as I've stated, he's a great straight ally for marriage equality, but not someone interested in me or any guy really for that. And me, sharing with only a small pool of my dearest friends who are by and large incredibly bright people. Both of us got lots of positive remarks. In fact, we each only had one religious negative response. I feel bad that my religious friend hadn't realized that I'm gay and awesome which means one day I might meet someone even more awesome making me want to get married for realsies.

While my friends said really sweet things to me and about my fake nuptials, I had it better than my friend. I love how supportive all of my friends were but come on: I promise you'll all at least know I've meet someone before I run to Vegas and get all gay married. And really - you'll meet him first too. Someone has to tell me I'm not crazy in love and this guy is approved. It takes a village and the village deserves a little buy-in first.

The comedic fallout

His mother thought my friend truly was going to marry some "gay brokeback cowboy" which for the record, I'm not. It was so bad that I had to speak to her, on a phone to explain this was all a prank. Thankfully, she accepted the phone explanation because flying out to discuss in person still sounds hilarious. He had several people say things that are supposed to sound supportive but aren't (and no, none of these were from bitter exes):

• "I always knew you were gay."
• "I'm so glad you finally came out bro"
• "I know this is International Don't Trust the Internet Day, but I'm so proud of you man."
• etc

It took all night, but we did finally stop laughing and get everything in order. People asked us where we're registered (we're not). If I registered, I'd pick a homeless youth shelter, because they need shit way more than I do. The future mr Dubs will just have to accept that's where I want to register. They asked which courthouse in what state we married in because they totes wanted to be there to celebrate with us (you guys rock). Trust, when i'm getting married for reals, you'll all know waaaay in advance so you can buy up rice or whatever. They asked if we were adopting (guys, one mountain at a time). They asked where we were going to live (which always made me think of birds and fish trying to live together) and they wanted to help house shop (awe). In short, friends are awesome and we should all have more. Especially these kinds.

Lessons/Conclusions

Despite how far we've come, there's still some things that we all need to work on:

• The need for anyone to come out at all.
  I'd love for that future where we can just say we're dating someone without first having to "pick sides" and declare a preference. We aren't there yet, which harms people who are bi.
• Despite the last point, I think we also need to accept someone's declared identity. Accept and respect.
• we need to acknowledge that it isn't a binary option
  Bisexuality deserves attention too
• Never trust me on 1 April, my birthday, or when what I do for a living comes up.

I'm so pleasantly surprised by my very amazing friends. Although I thought you guys were impressive before, just knowing that you guys are this cool makes me even happier. So to recap: you guys rock and i'm not getting married. I'm very glad we just did status updates and didn't link our profiles as we had originally discuss. And remember to enjoy your burrito. Happy April Fools Day guys.

I'm back

We'll be coming back with some things here in the near future. Keep your eyes peeled. Kisses to the misses!

No, It Has Gotten Better

I was recently reading, as I tend to do, when I came across this article. I couldn't place what about the article annoyed me. There was something cloying at me. I've seen this argument before. Of course life is easier if you remove the obstacles. I am not old enough to remember, but I'm aware of the time when we sent young unwed ladies to a home until they gave birth. I bet for their families, life was a lot easier without the problem staring them in the belly as it were. However, I've had the luxury to meet some of these ladies, or mature women as they are now. Most of them have a complex web of emotions about their time in these homes. Do I think today's solutions are better than hiding the problem? In some ways yes because we're addressing it now.

I think back to my childhood. I knew I was gay long before i was 13. I also knew what bullies were long before I was 13. Bullies are part of the childhood fabric. There's a useful purpose to them: they build character and provide a thicker skin. Now, I should also say, in no way do i think excessive bullying or harassment is appropriate. I don't think I'd be nearly as successful today if I didn't have a thick skin. My job constantly pits me against criticisms. How do we learn how to handle disagreements? I don't think it's hiding in the closet and waiting for the conflict to end. That doesn't help the bullies or the bullied to grow.

We don't just let bullies run rampant in society. They also learn something important in childhood: consequences of actions. When I was in middle school, which was a little bit more recent than some, I had a stern hard nosed principal. He didn't tolerate fighting and he had no qualms suspending or otherwise disciplining your child. Bullies knew his office quite well, but most of them learned there are consequences to your actions (and also what you could get away with before you had to pay the piper). I called one of my friends who was a bully in middle school after reading that story. He hated the principal when we were in school together. "A real sunavabitch" he recalled during our conversation. He also said that the principal "was perhaps the first adult to want me to succeed and be better." We also talked about kids and their sexuality. He said something interesting to me: "everyone knew you were gay and they knew there would be hell to pay for fucking with you." I asked him what he meant. "Because [our principal] was tough on everything, nobody would get wiggle room for attacking someone for who they are. Not gays, blacks, [Hispanics], everybody was safe. Only an idiot would try something stupid," was his reply. He also added: "You know, you were the first gay guy i knew. You really helped me learn stuff about it man. Thanks." What he meant, when i pressed him, was simply that until then, he thought "fags" were some obscure minority and not people you actually knew or liked. Knowing me allowed him to overcome the homophobia he was raised with and accept gays for who they were: normal people who just date different.

How much of the bullying of gays is because of a cultural permission is something i don't know. I do know, the more people meet normal gay people (those that are gay but don't fit the generic per-conceived stereotypes presented), the less they are bothered by gays. I've been openly gay my whole life, and I've had several conversations multiple times with different people about this. No, I don't set out to change people's minds. Yet, just knowing someone changes people. I think that's where i disagree with the original writer. In her idealic response, we should hide conflicts to resolve them. Maybe that would keep the kids safe. Happy - probably not but safe - at least from bullies on that topic. I agree we blame the parents. Actually, i think we need to blame all adults. Whatever the reason, these kids were so unhappy, and without a safe place to communicate this, that they killed themselves. And for whatever reason, bullying was part of the problem. Shame on the parents for not fostering a safe harbor for their young. Shame on the school for not creating a safe space for all the children. Shame on our society for not standing up for our weakest. Shame on anyone who feels gay is something bad or wrong and ridicules a child for it (perceived or otherwise). I may not agree about religion, but i don't think anyone should be maliciously mocked or scorned for having religion. Race, gender, sexuality, creed. All Americans should feel safe and protected. As the grownups in the room, we need to ensure it stays at just teasing and doesn't escalate.

I don't think there's a magical age where kids should come out and reveal their sexuality (gay or otherwise). For some, it might be 18 or 22 but others it might be 15 or 13. I also don't think we should leave confrontational issues off the table until the least comfortable is ready for the topic. Sexuality is a complex gamut of things and a child should be mature enough to work through the ramifications. For some, like me, it's easy and we can cope while we're young. For others, it takes more time. But society needs to love, accept, support, and protect these children no matter their decision. If they come out at 13, we need to be ready. When my children decide to start dating, or tell me their sexual preferences, I'll love them still. They'll be safe to explore their feelings, whatever the age. And I'll do everything in my power to make sure they know life has gotten better. Every kid gets teased but none should get bullied. And no one should feel so desolate that suicide is their only refuge. Shame on us.

I've been meaning to publish this for... a long time.

Enjoy.

Two Weeks - Grizzly Bear from Gabe Askew on Vimeo.

Actually i want to see this... oddly enough

Kirk Cameron V the world

Kirk Cameron and I have had our disagreements in the past. Indeed, we've almost settled the question: are we both human? No resolution yet on the gender question yet.

Actually Kirk and I disagree, respectfully on my part at least, when it comes to religion and more importantly: proselytizing your religion. I'm not one who feels you must go forth and convert the masses. K Cameron on the otherhand feels differently. Like so much of the bible, when skillfully read, you can make the point in either direction.

More importantly though, Kirk and I disagree on this nation. Which is HUGE. I am under the impression that separation of church and state established an important division of labour between the management of law in our nation and the adherence to your religious backing (either of g-d, al-ah, or other religious entity of preference). In doing so, not only was it established that religions of all works were free to coexist in this new union, but that the religion of not having one and even an ambivalence/lack of practicing a religion could exist peacefully. In exchange, the laws of the nation would be dictated by the people, not the religion.

In truth the second half (the laws of men not religion) is difficult to achieve completely. As it happens, when a rapid crowd believes fervently that... you cannot sell alcohol on Sundays, have your gay relationship recognized, adopt a child out of wedlock, or run a grocery store on the Sabbath (whichever day that is for your religion) - they tend to make laws that reflect this EVEN IF they are well aware that others (quite possibly a silent majority of the nation) do not agree with them.

And so too is my problem with K Cameron: he believes so much in his version of his faith that he feels the need to share it always and actively with others even to the suppression of rights for those that disagree with him. Now i have no issue with him having his beliefs, or sharing them. There is however a fine line between sharing what you feel is the truth and converting the masses to your brand of thought by force. (Which some might feel Nichts Besonderes does as well - except I am happy to agree to disagree with you on just about everything (civil equality notwithstanding obviously).

His latest escapade is an effort to persuade people to his ideology in a method that is not entirely honest. Rather than bore you with more words, here is a video clip on the subject. You can find his version out there too. Enjoy:

It keeps getting better

Here's some more marriage nom nom goodness to watch:

Brian Brown, take II

Yes, this is the man i'm afraid of instead of Fred Phelps.

Vote NO

Or your babies will all die of herpes, in back allies.