I was recently reading, as I tend to do, when I came across this article. I couldn't place what about the article annoyed me. There was something cloying at me. I've seen this argument before. Of course life is easier if you remove the obstacles. I am not old enough to remember, but I'm aware of the time when we sent young unwed ladies to a home until they gave birth. I bet for their families, life was a lot easier without the problem staring them in the belly as it were. However, I've had the luxury to meet some of these ladies, or mature women as they are now. Most of them have a complex web of emotions about their time in these homes. Do I think today's solutions are better than hiding the problem? In some ways yes because we're addressing it now.
I think back to my childhood. I knew I was gay long before i was 13. I also knew what bullies were long before I was 13. Bullies are part of the childhood fabric. There's a useful purpose to them: they build character and provide a thicker skin. Now, I should also say, in no way do i think excessive bullying or harassment is appropriate. I don't think I'd be nearly as successful today if I didn't have a thick skin. My job constantly pits me against criticisms. How do we learn how to handle disagreements? I don't think it's hiding in the closet and waiting for the conflict to end. That doesn't help the bullies or the bullied to grow.
We don't just let bullies run rampant in society. They also learn something important in childhood: consequences of actions. When I was in middle school, which was a little bit more recent than some, I had a stern hard nosed principal. He didn't tolerate fighting and he had no qualms suspending or otherwise disciplining your child. Bullies knew his office quite well, but most of them learned there are consequences to your actions (and also what you could get away with before you had to pay the piper). I called one of my friends who was a bully in middle school after reading that story. He hated the principal when we were in school together. "A real sunavabitch" he recalled during our conversation. He also said that the principal "was perhaps the first adult to want me to succeed and be better." We also talked about kids and their sexuality. He said something interesting to me: "everyone knew you were gay and they knew there would be hell to pay for fucking with you." I asked him what he meant. "Because [our principal] was tough on everything, nobody would get wiggle room for attacking someone for who they are. Not gays, blacks, [Hispanics], everybody was safe. Only an idiot would try something stupid," was his reply. He also added: "You know, you were the first gay guy i knew. You really helped me learn stuff about it man. Thanks." What he meant, when i pressed him, was simply that until then, he thought "fags" were some obscure minority and not people you actually knew or liked. Knowing me allowed him to overcome the homophobia he was raised with and accept gays for who they were: normal people who just date different.
How much of the bullying of gays is because of a cultural permission is something i don't know. I do know, the more people meet normal gay people (those that are gay but don't fit the generic per-conceived stereotypes presented), the less they are bothered by gays. I've been openly gay my whole life, and I've had several conversations multiple times with different people about this. No, I don't set out to change people's minds. Yet, just knowing someone changes people. I think that's where i disagree with the original writer. In her idealic response, we should hide conflicts to resolve them. Maybe that would keep the kids safe. Happy - probably not but safe - at least from bullies on that topic. I agree we blame the parents. Actually, i think we need to blame all adults. Whatever the reason, these kids were so unhappy, and without a safe place to communicate this, that they killed themselves. And for whatever reason, bullying was part of the problem. Shame on the parents for not fostering a safe harbor for their young. Shame on the school for not creating a safe space for all the children. Shame on our society for not standing up for our weakest. Shame on anyone who feels gay is something bad or wrong and ridicules a child for it (perceived or otherwise). I may not agree about religion, but i don't think anyone should be maliciously mocked or scorned for having religion. Race, gender, sexuality, creed. All Americans should feel safe and protected. As the grownups in the room, we need to ensure it stays at just teasing and doesn't escalate.
I don't think there's a magical age where kids should come out and reveal their sexuality (gay or otherwise). For some, it might be 18 or 22 but others it might be 15 or 13. I also don't think we should leave confrontational issues off the table until the least comfortable is ready for the topic. Sexuality is a complex gamut of things and a child should be mature enough to work through the ramifications. For some, like me, it's easy and we can cope while we're young. For others, it takes more time. But society needs to love, accept, support, and protect these children no matter their decision. If they come out at 13, we need to be ready. When my children decide to start dating, or tell me their sexual preferences, I'll love them still. They'll be safe to explore their feelings, whatever the age. And I'll do everything in my power to make sure they know life has gotten better. Every kid gets teased but none should get bullied. And no one should feel so desolate that suicide is their only refuge. Shame on us.
